How to help your child become more confident?
Step by step instructions
Recently we received a letter from the mother of a girl, in which she complained that her daughter was not sure myself: afraid to Express themselves in school, avoiding initiatives.
The problem described by our reader, is not new. Many parents face this: the child is closed, insecure, difficult to converge with classmates, defends his point of view. And further such insecurities can go into complexes, complicate social adaptation, will prevent him from showing his skills and find his place in life.
How can parents help the child?
Step one. Exploration
First of all need to understand the causes of uncertainty, realize, and for this purpose to analyze the situations in which it manifests itself. You should make a list of situations in which the child is experiencing difficulty. For example, he is unsure of the new situation, Blendable in an unfamiliar team, afraid to make contact with a stranger. I personally know of several examples where an insurmountable obstacle is to buy bread in the tent, because the child is shy to speak with the seller.
Or obedient child becomes aggressive when parents come to visit. He’s surly, snarling, behaves shocking, runs away, doesn’t make contact.
Maybe at school, he gets a bad grade, even though the day before told you the whole paragraph by heart. And in a class he was too shy to come to the Board and clearly answer the teacher’s question. In the end, he chose a pair of five ’s minutes of fame”.
I brought different first sight situation, but they can be United by one cause – self-doubt. And if the child cannot pass the situation on their own – he needs your help.
Step two. The conversation
To begin analysis of the psychological problem, always with a confidential conversation. I emphasize trust and underline the conversation. We all believe that we talk with the children, but not always really talking with them from a psychological point of view.
In this case, not include the conversation on emotions after received two, the conversation on the way to school, on the run for Breakfast or telephone conversation. As well as this should not be a monologue of a parent, on how to and not to do. We must seek dialogue heart to heart in a welcoming environment, when the child himself is configured to communicate. Do not tie the discussion to some faults, the kid does not need to prepare so that it will not scold.
Your task as a sensitive parent during the interview is to understand what caused the child to perform certain actions, what he thought, how you felt. While most of the talking he needs. If it’s hard – you can start and build a hypothesis, like “I think you don’t like it when our guests come Ivanovs” or bring a fictional situation, about how you as a child it was scary to be responsible to the Board. This technique should trust set the tone of the communication.
When your child shares with you their experiences, approve of his words and nod in a gesture of understanding, confirm that you would be scared in this situation. Your attention and trust of the child is the first step to ensure that he became more confident. After all, if it stands for understanding mother – he is not so scary.
Complete the conversation a positive example of how people who struggled with his insecurities. Promise him that in such situations he can always share my experiences with you.
Step 3. Look at the environment
Now. when the information obtained from the child, you can begin to analyze external factors. Why such feelings, sensations occur in your kid? I must say that a certain shyness peculiar to children is normal. Someone is actively developing world, seeking to Express themselves, someone, on the contrary, facing inward. This individual features of personality that should be respected. But the child with these features should be comfortable in a social environment, therefore, some moments can and should be corrected.
So, after talking with the child, you can disassemble the behavior of other participants in difficult situations. Perhaps the child behaves not insecure at all, and with certain people – for example, those who are domineering, authoritarian in nature. He can feel fear, not in front of the school, but only to a certain teacher. Then talk with the teacher. Many children are afraid of oral responses at the Board, especially when the teacher is strict and asks tough questions. Try to find a common language with the teacher, explain that checking homework child, confident in his knowledge and ask them to check them in writing if possible.
It is also important to look at your own behavior: it is no secret that children absorb the model of senior action. As you meet new situations? Be honest with yourself: can you also keep silent in stressful situations or shift complex tasks on the family. Surely if you communicate with strangers? If not, the child simply has no one to learn self confidence and the subconscious takes over your behavior, considering it to be normal and working.
Step 4. Help
Parents – the authority for the baby, so he needs your support in difficult situations you have discussed in the first step. Take it back to the store specifically communicate with the seller to consult in the selection of goods – arrange a master class in front of children’s eyes to the little understood as it might be nice to chat with new people and communicating, to buy nicer. If your child is afraid to talk on the phone – call more often with him about his business, showing him a model of communication. Perhaps he really has no patterns of behavior.
If the call needs to be done this child (for example, find home job from a friend), put them in conversation on paper. This technique is often used by managers working with clients.
Uncertainty often goes hand in hand with low self-esteem, so children need praise and blame correctly. Praise need not only in General, but for specific actions, that they understand what succeed. For example, say that the child’s great because it helps you around the house and cleans your room. Support his initiative: “Smart, which produced an interesting essay”.
Blame should also informative. You cannot scold in General, than sin in the schools. Never say that the child is incompetent, a loser and got you punished. Forget it. It is correct to blame for specific acts, avoiding negation, which we also love. Thus, criticizing, it is important to focus on your feelings and sensations. For example, “I hated that you were rude to my friend”, “if you follow my advice and eat the soup, you’ll always be healthy and can hang out with friends.” This form is much more effective than the usual “don’t go without a hat will be sick”, “Why I raised you – nothing good you won’t return”. Moms of the 21st century, forget about the negativity!
And, of course, we should develop the strengths of the child, which will increase his self-esteem. Be sure to reward those classes that he likes (sports, dance, music, sculpture, etc.). Even if you don’t plan on raising a future artist, respect his passion and don’t let it. Favorite thing brings positive emotions, gives confidence, increases self-esteem and helps to better endure the failure.