How to stop comparing their own and others
Compassion and desire to help orphans often encouraged people to take the child into the family. But making documents for adoption or guardianship, it is not, how different from normal children can be orphans.
The adopted child is not the same as your own children. A mismatch between expectations and reality that drives you insane. Especially hard is for couples, who have children of their own. In this case, the comparison of friends and foes (not in favor of the latter, of course) transforms the lives of the whole family into a nightmare.
Love nonnative, and in addition the “difficult” child as your own is never easy. To do this, the adoptive parents will have to seriously work on myself and very much aware.
This is very different children
Your children were born in an atmosphere of love. And for many orphans “happy” childhood is associated with hunger, drunken debauchery parents and the beatings. You spoiled their kids with toys and sweets. And these crumbs fell asleep not cozy in the nursery and in the common room of the orphanage, they learned how to steal and cheat to survive. In addition, in dysfunctional families often babies are born with abnormalities that leads to delays in emotional and intellectual development.
For this reason it is impossible to demand from them the same as that from peers. Parenting techniques that work for normal children, are often ineffective for foster. Difficulties faced even by those parents whose profession involves good knowledge of child and adolescent psychology (educators, teachers, etc.).
• Learn as much as possible about the child. Any information about his past family, health, nature, etc. will help you prepare to appear in your life a new man.
• Do not build any expectations. Your ideas about what should be able and know the children of a specific age may have little to do with what he taught your adopted son or daughter in an orphanage. So be ready to repeat with a high school program kindergarten or to explain to a teenager why steal or torturing animals is bad.
Your own children, too, were not perfect
When children grow up, their childhood often seemed too idealized. Perhaps looking through the photo album now, you’re touched, looking at the plump little faces of their little ones. But remember, as these cute creatures came home with broken knees and a torn dresses, like “accidentally” broke new toys, getting the first two, “needy” for the behavior and even skipped lessons.
Yes, your own children, too misbehaved and acted far from exemplary. Therefore, we should not expect angelic behavior from the guys with really difficult fate.
• Tell your adopted child about the pranks of your own children. This will help you to realize that all children pranks. A new member of your family will not think that if you are unhappy with them, so don’t love him anymore.
• Do not compare your child with other children, but only with himself. Make a journal, which will celebrate its successes, skills, etc. to follow a positive behaviour change easier.
You have to teach them the most basic things
Remember how much changed your way of life with the birth of children. But you are not mad at the baby for what enough sleep and don’t have time to relax. You understand that it’s not my fault that I can’t bring myself to eat or go for a walk.
Children from the orphanage, too innocent. Getting into a new family, they are under stress. In fact, they become as helpless as newborns, as is not familiar with the usual rules and because of this all the time doing something wrong.
Your children could learn to wash the dishes and help around the house, in the orphanage all of this was done by a nurse or a cleaner. Your children could easily choose to find yourself while in the orphanage was always on a strict schedule, and often children were left to themselves.
What your children study for years, orphans and children need to learn much faster. And without your help they just can not cope.
• Become a role model. The child takes over the behavior of adults. So if you want to teach him how to behave and how not, do not break your own rules.
• Explain to your child why it is necessary to do so, and not otherwise. To learn new much easier if you understand why this is necessary.
• Create for the child schedule. Describe in detail what he should do in the morning as it might play in the afternoon, which is part of his chores, etc. Children from the orphanage is much easier to tolerate such strict limits than the full freedom that you are willing to give them up. Over time, the need for “mode” disappears, but at the beginning it will help to adapt to new conditions.
Parenting a step-child is a difficult mission. But don’t forget that you are still the mother and not the warden. Your main task – not to force the student to love math and to prepare them for independent life and to impart the best human qualities.
Spend with a child quality time, as you did with native children. After all, food, clothing, and education can be obtained in a boarding school. Communicate with families, foster children and who were faced with the same problems as you. And think about it: maybe bad behavior adopted son or daughter – this is just a test of your love to the test. These children are accustomed to, that they may at any time, to throw, to send to the orphanage, so they need time to re-learn to believe in human kindness. Be patient, and everything will be okay.