Learning to listen and hear each other

In psychology found a wonderful way of assisting the other party in cases where it is difficult to cope with the situation, to experience failure, to Express not quite clear feelings or thoughts. He called the technique of active listening.

Ears on top

With the active hearing your task – to understand the speaker and let him know about it. When we say “understand”, we mean not only the content words, but also his emotional experience.

To solve both of these tasks helps the next appointment – to repeat what is said by the interlocutor, and thus to call it a feeling or a state.

Reproducing the contact said, you can repeat a single word, an entire phrase or use a “paraphrase”, that is, to convey the meaning in other words.

For example, your daughter-the schoolgirl said: “I wouldn’t wear these shoes because they are stupid carrot color and me are all in the class to laugh”. Your answer might be: “You don’t like these shoes because you’re afraid that because of their bright colors in school you’ll be laughed at”.

Why is it necessary?

If your answer is accurate, the person will feel that you have joined his experiences. And this feeling is very important for everyone. As in the proverb: “divided sorrow is halved and divided by twice the joy is enhanced”.

Along with active listening is a so-called passive listening. This is also a form of active attention to the problem of the interlocutor, with only a small number of words. These can be single words or interjections: “a pity”, “Yes?”, “wow”, “hmm”. A nod of the head, a close look.

It is very important after your reply to keep the pause. She needed to give the person space and time to think, and you – focus on the interlocutor, pulling away from his own thoughts, evaluations, feelings. This ability to step back from myself and go back to the internal process of the interlocutor is one of the most difficult skills an active listener. When it runs, between speaking and listening occurs especially a rapport.

To maintain contact, it is useful also to adapt to the interlocutor non-verbally, that is, to repeat his facial expressions, gestures, intonation, voice volume, eye movements and head tilt. It is important to look into the eyes, at least occasionally holding my gaze.

The rules are few “not”

Don’t start listening, if there is no time. This is understandable: imagine that you started a conversation with her son, had just established a trust with the contact, and he suddenly turns back and says: “I have to go to the yard”. It’s a shame, isn’t it? Teach yourself and loved ones patience and willingness to listen to each other.

Not to ask. Direct questions and even more unwanted questions. By asking questions, you satisfy his own curiosity, and then pursue their own interests and not the interests of another, and he feels it.

Not to give advice. Tips – this is the first thing that comes to mind when there is a desire to help. Moreover, people in distress, he asks about. Practice shows that in fact the Soviets did not work. And there are a couple of reasons.

First, when you give advice, you are putting yourself above the other. It consciously or unconsciously offends, and the man tries to “debunk” your smart recommendations. Secondly, you act in accordance with your understanding of the situation and interlocutor for the problem may look different. That is why the Council, which begins with the words: “I wouldn…” ends with the objection: “and I – you”.

And thirdly, as a rule, what would you suggest for a person who has crossed him in the head, or he could have done that myself. You’re expected to only support.

Learn to empathize

Consider counter-examples, which are best avoided when the child is looking for in an adult sympathy, and gets in return:

Orders, commands: “Now stop crying!”

Warnings, threats: “do that again, will get it from me!”, “you will Not listen to – will be locked in the closet!”. There is no understanding and no desire to understand. In the first place – to satisfy his own whim, and for this purpose – to intimidate.

Morality, moralizing sermons: “How many times have you said, don’t do that!”, “I warned you, now you’re on your own!”. In response – the tacit experience of the child – and so sick and my mum with her morals, the child develops a desire to cover my ears or leave, lock the door, stay alone with their problems.

Criticism, reprimands, accusations: “you’re Always meddling where they shouldn’t!”, “So grown up, and plucked not mind”. Instead of compassion – one more click to the ego.

Name calling, ridiculing: “Crybaby-wax”, “Noodles”, “Whiner”, “you can’t be such a donkey”. You cannot glue the labels, the child is at risk to live with them all my life, and it will be unrecoverable error parents.

Guesswork, interpretation: “You’re mad because you have nothing”, “do You justify your laziness, to be able to do nothing and sit on my parents”. In these statements – suspended judgment and the invasion of personal space. People don’t like being “calculate”.

Sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation: “Anything, everything”, “I understand you, but don’t worry about it”, “nonsense”, “I’ve been there too – nothing survived”. Instead share the experience of the interlocutor, “sympathetic” demeans or devalues his feelings. It’s not fair.

It is important to understand that the emotions – better to leave, and children should strive to hear and understand.

People ask me: “As, active listening, we help to resolve the problem to your child, if the advice is not recommended to give?”

Tell about the main conclusion which was made by the masters of psychological help. Their experience has shown that to solve an emotional problem for the person nobody can. Attempts to advise, to point to his experience, as a rule, does not lead to success. And yet, through listening can be very significant.

1. You are close and allow the child to speak.

2. You show that you know about his feelings, so how exactly they are called, thus, sharing personal experiences.

3. You are not grossly interfere, with pauses, and offering the child the most reason above mentioned, this leads to the problem, and then it will seem obvious to him.

4. His laissez-faire you transmit to the child the belief that he has his stamina and abilities that will help him cope with the problem.

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