Parenting without punishment.
Unfortunately, our parental experience proved that the education of children in the family with the screaming, criticism, persuasion, reading lectures and sermons gives the desired result. Corporal and physical punishment of children make their behavior worse.
The use of traditional methods of family upbringing does not improve relations between parents and children, and often their use meets the strongest protest of the child and causes more and more sophisticated children’s manipulation .
Parents are sometimes hard to understand what mistakes upbringing and why children no longer wish to respond positively to the parenting practices . which were effective when they were kids.
The consultant should help the parents to understand that they now live in another time and in another world where children no longer accept authoritarian system of relationships and will fight against those who are trying to put pressure on them, and in the case of punishment will seek revenge. Therefore, parents are forced to learn new methods of education, which denies any kind of pressure and dominance.
Before parents raises the question of How to raise children without punishment . and is it possible in principle?
For children and adolescents who deliberately ignore the rules of the family and community life proposed educational system of natural and logical consequences . based on the principles of cooperation .
It is a system in which the child can relate the consequences of their bad behavior with their actions. For example, one of my client told me that her son dreamed of a bike, but then, when the bike he bought, the son stubbornly left him unattended in the street, and in the end the bike was stolen. Instead of lecturing your child about how bad he did, I advised her to use natural consequences of this incident. Time bike was stolen due to negligence of the child, he will have to go without a bike until then, until it accumulates money to buy a new one. My client told his son that she can’t buy him for the money new Bicycle is stolen. But she wasn’t supposed to scold or blame him. The loss of the bike will make her son understand how to properly handle their property.
It is necessary to distinguish between natural and logical consequences of the child’s behavior . Natural consequences occur without any special training.
For example, many parents of teenagers complain consultation how hard it is to Wake your child for school in the morning . Often this turns into a real torment for parents – all these repeated reminders and Wake-up. A parent who adhere to the system of education without punishment will allow natural consequences to teach the child to Wake up on time without reminders. After all, if the child is not waking up on time, and the parents don’t intervene, then comes the natural consequence is he’s late to school. The parent can keep their friendly relationship with the child, because mom or dad is not at fault and are not responsible for the occurred failure.
Logical consequences occur prior agreement between the parent and the child. For example, once to me for advice asked Tatiana, whose two sons were never cleaned their toys, books and clothes. After the consultation Tatiana told his children that if by a certain time in order in the room will not be induced, all lying things will be put in some box from which nothing can be taken away for a certain period of time (in her case, 3 days). The result was not quite normal. Children, not wanting to lose their belongings, kept order, and the first thing that came in this box was a bag of Tatiana with keys and documents from the car. To the credit of my client, she rose to the occasion and gave the children a good example, within the term “arrest” purse, she used public transport.
Educational system based on the use of natural and logical consequences, parents must be implemented gradually.
Usually the consultation revealed that the current conflicted state of relations in the family was a few months or even years. Therefore, it is best to start with a consultant to identify one or two simple problems and solve them, and then proceed to more complex tasks.
Children and adolescents generally accept a system of logical consequences; they see in it sense and logic and they like to take on more responsibility, which provides them with this system. Although some children change their behavior after just a few applications of the method of logical consequences . others require several weeks or months in order for the system to operate effectively.
I, as a consultant always warn parents about the possibility of a deferred result. Otherwise, this approach will remain one of the recommendations that look good in theory, but in practice do not work.